My Island In The Sun (by Danie)

 

When I was still able to go for daily walks I met amazing people along the way, some of whom became good friends and continue to visit me on a regular basis.

I want to share a thought with you about my island in the sun, but before I go there, I’d like to fill you in on the reason to create such a place. It was a visit from one of these friends, who after listening to me vent, suggested that I build myself an island – create my own safe and secure escape. A happy place that I can visit any time and as often as I want.

I have undergone some serious changes in my life. Not only financially or physically, but my whole psyche has changed. It’s like I’ve taken on a whole new persona, a hunchback of Notre Dame, if you will. A hidden kind of monster that is trying to force its way out, against all odds, against my best efforts to contain it. And what a monster this is that even I fear him. Who knows what he is capable of?

Tanja, being very perturbed by my mental (in)stability decided to do some research as to what could be causing such a dramatic mental / character change in me. Turns out, my failing liver causes toxins to build up in my blood. When it reaches my brain, it causes this imbalance and dramatic change in my mind. Who would have thought that I could be even more mentally unstable than before. Surprise!

Our lives have taken some serious losses and a lot of hammering these last few years. If you know anything about us, it is the fact that we are not giver-uppers. We will not throw in the towel. It will have to be a fatal knockout.

The problem with all the punches that life has been throwing at me, is that a dark monstrous transformation is getting the upper hand, and now I can blame it on a medical condition too. It’s not just a character flaw anymore.

When coping with real difficulties, life filters out the good and changes you systematically without you even realizing it. It’s not a sudden wham bam change, it creeps up and then slowly takes control. Only if you have a true-love friendship with someone stable, like Tanja, will that person notice this change.

Since our children left for greener pastures thousands of miles away, many years ago, our lives have become almost unbearable. My health is deteriorating at a hell-of-a pace, and the bare necessities for daily life have become unaffordable. Our income at this moment in time in not nearly enough to cope with daily essentials, let alone my sick ass needs.

False hope like playing the lottery or hoping to receive a government pension, is always out of reach. I wasn’t even able to receive a disability grant due to the screwed-up system.

We are not beggars on a street corner. We don’t need to feed a destructive habit. We are not lazy. But life is hard and for some, it seems, much harder than for others.

At my passing (and I say this out loud and with pride), these three things can’t be said about me. Everything else will probably be true.  

1. I am not lazy – not a single lazy hair on my head.
2. I am not afraid of anything, nor am I a coward. Okay, I am afraid of spiders, but that’s it! 
3. I have never been unfaithful to my wife. Tanja has always been my only love and lover.

The hardest thing for me is not only being disabled, or half blind, or losing my fine motor skills in my hands, or suffering with inflammatory bowel disease. It’s the fact that I am less than half the man I used to be. My get-up-and-go, has got up and gone.

I have suffered more than most in this life and the only reason why I have stuck it out … is Tanja.

So, the monster life has created in me, wants out. It is a dark thing – fighting, kicking, screaming – begging me to stop this miserable existence. My failed health, failed prosthetics and cost of living have resulted in me being beyond economical repair.

Only Tanja gives me value and makes life worth living … up to a point. Some day she will have to let me go and put the monster to rest.

* * * * * * *

All of this I explained to my visitor yesterday. At first, he didn’t say a single word, and when I had finished “off-loading” he gave me a piece of advice. The best advice I’ve ever heard.

“Danie, build yourself an island. Build your own perfect place of escape and do it to your own specifications and your heart's desire. Make it a place where you can have all you want and regain all you’ve lost. Make it a safe, happy place and make it yours.”

I wasted no time. I searched the whole universe of my mind and found the perfect place. It’s an island in the sun. An island with a never-ending white, sandy beach. Clear, blue sky. Perfect temperature. Lush green vegetation. Beautiful waterfall. Lots of sunflowers for Tanja. After all, no place would be perfect without her.

There is no bad or evil on my island. There are no pests or pestilences. There is no chaos or havoc. There is no harm in any form. There are no worries, no bills to pay, or sheriffs of the court. There is no cost of living and definitely no need for money. Nothing to buy and nothing to sell. No vagrants. No greed and no rulers. No politics and no religion. No rules and no laws, for on my perfect island there is no need of that. This is my tranquil, I-don’t-need-any-of-that-shit-the-world-has-to-offer special place.

I am the creator of my island and all I need is Tanja. Everything else is already there.

Our children are close to us, and see us, and touch us. No distance separating us and no loss of time. So, yes, my perfect island is the perfect place for my family and especially our granddaughter. On my island we hug and hold them tight. A place of happiness, peace and love.

Here on my island, there is always an abundance of my favorite things – all I can eat and all the wine I want. Water is only for bathing.

There is no bad and no sad. Nothing will have to be destroyed or chopped down. Nothing needs to die for us to live (I’ll have to find some steak on your island).

As I am creating my perfect island, I am walking on the beach holding hands with the love of my life. No, I am not walking, I am running …

Yes, on my perfect island there is no sickness or pain and no prosthetic limbs, and Murphy can bark and run and sniff to his heart’s content – no leash or restraint.

Here on my perfect island, I am a whole man.

My perfect island in the sun.